Criticism in your relationships can look normal to some. Communication skills have been passed down from generation to generation, most unhealthy unless they have been worked on. It’s normalized to be criticized. You get criticized at work. By your parents. Your enemies. Your children. Sometimes, your good friends. Criticism is everywhere in your relationships if you aren’t aware of it happening and careful on how to address it.
What does criticism look like in your relationships?
Criticism can look like many things in your relationships, but the common theme is they tend to start with the word, “you“. It is an attack on the person, their character, their personality. “You never listen to me”, “You spend too much”, “You are fat” (stated so bluntly by many children who have no filters…) 🙂 Criticism is a buildup over time of counting people’s mistakes and clumping them into one “you” statement that attacks the person’s overall character.
Other factors in recognizing criticism in your relationships are the words “always” and “never”. This is an overgeneralization of a person’s mistakes. In cognitive behavioral therapy, we call this “all or nothing” statements. They can really tear down a relationship.
How to reduce and stop criticism in your relationships?
The Gottman Institute has a lot of research about criticism and its affect on your relationships. Their research shows the most effective way to counteract criticism in your relationships is to use a “gentle startup“. Instead of using a “you” statement, which attacks the other person’s character and personality, use the following word equation to problem solve:
- What do emotions do I feel?
- What do I need from my partner in this situation?
Then, complain without the blame. This takes away the possibility of creating more problems with defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling, the other three relationship problems. Here are some examples:
Criticism: “Come on, we’re going to be late! Are you just being slow on purpose?”
Gentle Start Up: “Hey, we’re running late. It’s really important to me that we get there on time.”
Criticism: You said you’d wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you will.”
Gentle Start Up: “There’s still some dirty dishes in the sink. I need you to clean them up, please.”
www.gottman.com
Why stop criticism in your relationships?
Some might wonder why should I use a gentle start up when I have been using criticism to get my way in my relationships all along? Yes, you can keep living in the chaos that criticism brings: contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And, you can continue the negative communication cycles you find yourself continuously getting into.
OR
You can try something new. A gentle start up. It takes time, awareness and practice. But, the studies show that using a gentle startup is the best way to repair your relationship. Healthy relationships have criticism, too. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is that they make the effort to repair damage early.
Contact me for help with criticism in your relationships
Being criticized feels terrible. Learning to see past the defensiveness it can bring takes work, and therapy can help. If you need help becoming more aware with your own criticizing or accepting criticism, contact me for a free consultation.
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