Help my relationship: From Disaster to Master
Tips from a Mental Health Therapist who wishes she knew these tips 20 years ago
Do you need help in your relationship? Would you consider your relationship a disaster or a master?
If you consider your relationship more on the “disaster” end, here are some tips I wish I had known before I learned them as a therapist. These tips can work for any relationship: your bf/gf, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws, etc.
If you could classify your relationship as a master relationship or a disaster relationship, what would you say? Do you need to help your relationship? Do you think it’s pretty good? *if so, please share your secrets and tips with us in the comments below!*
Signs you need help in your relationship
- You criticize the other person or you get criticized
- You disrespect them or they disrespect you
- You mock them or get mocked with sarcasm
- Eye rolling, scoffing, name calling
- When you feel defensive, you make excuses, and vice versa
- You blame or get blamed
- You or the other person stops listening
- You or the other person shuts down
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Now here is the juicy stuff. Listen up! You want help with your relationship, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a concept I wish I knew about when I was very young.
John and Julie Gottman are the Masters of relationship counseling. They have studied thousands of couples and they are able to determine within 30 minutes of watching couples interact whether or not they will divorce. Wow!
“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship.”- Gottman website
Here they are:
So what do you do with these? Well, I highly recommend you click on each of those and read more about them. You can also check out this quick video that describes them.https://youtu.be/1o30Ps-_8is
Okay, I get the 4 Horsemen, but how do I fix my relationship?
There are antedotes to these problems. You can read more in detail about them on the Gottman site, but I’ll try to give you the quick rundown here so I can save you some time.
To fix criticism: Use a gentle startup. Use “I” statements and express positive needs.
To fix contempt: Build a culture of appreciation. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and express them.
To fix defensiveness: Take responsibility. Accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology, if needed.
To fix stonewalling: Physiological self soothing. Take a time-out and do something soothing and distracting.
Masters and Disasters of Relationships: Mastering is possible
The Gottmans explain the differences between master and disaster relationships. It’s not that the masters don’t have arguments or problems. They do. The difference is: THEY REPAIR EARLY AND OFTEN.
What does this mean? When there is an opportunity for repair, meaning, you use the antedotes to the 4 Horsemen, you lean into the antedotes and try them to repair the situation. Repairing creates trust, appreciation and brings friendship back into the relationship.
How I can help your relationship
Getting a counselor is important during the beginning stages of repair. A counselor/therapist can be the mediator and mirror to the negative patterns that can occur in disaster relationships.
I can help you find the right therapist for you. Whether it’s me or someone in your area, I can help you and your partner/significant other choose the right therapist for your needs. I work with Gottman principles and help couples lean into masterful communication and friendship.
Contact me if you would like me to help you find the right help for your relationship.
very nice