How to get along with others

A therapist’s guide to getting along with people who’s opinions are different than yours

 By: Michelle L. Taylor, M.S., LPCC

I admit it, I struggle with how to get along with others sometimes. Sometimes I feel like my ideas and opinions are better than other people’s. Some of my biggest arguments come from me believing this wholeheartedly… I am better than you. I know better than you. I am right, you are wrong. My opinions matter. Here, read some of my incredible beliefs:

• The toilet paper roll goes with the paper over the top.
• You only need a PW, putter and 5W when playing golf.
• You floss AFTER you brush your teeth.
• Eat dessert before your meal so you have room for it.
• Don’t plan too much when traveling and leave some room for spontaneity.
• It’s okay to leave your clothes folded in your hamper… you’re just going to use them again soon.
• Jeans are the most comfortable after two days of wearing them, any more days than 4 and they are too saggy.
• People who learn foreign languages are more open-minded people.

Some of you might be nodding your head “yes” to some of my beliefs, and shaking your head “no” to others. If we were sitting together now, we would probably argue over why some are wrong…. and you would give me your “better” opinion.

Meanwhile, I will probably sit there coming up with my next reason why you’re wrong and I’m right, not even caring to hear the details of your opinions.

Does this sound familiar to you? The silly reasons we argue, fight, disagree, try to prove each other wrong… these all start with the belief “My idea is the best. I know best.”

Sounds kind of narcissistic, doesn’t it?– well, it is…. a little.

The people who are the best at negotiating do not have this mindset of “My idea is the best, I know best.” Instead, they have an open-mind, believing something like, “I have an idea….it’s not THE idea… but AN idea…. I wonder what else is out there.”

It’s a sense of curiosity and perspective that these people have. They are able to go into a conversation with open-ended questions, maintaining a sense of curiousity of the other person’s belief, and finding some truth in it.

These are the types of people you want to be around. And imagine when two of these open and curious people communicate…. wow! Those are the models for effective communication.

But, how do we get to be one of these types of people? How do we let go of this innate desire to be right all the time?

How to let go of your ego: the #1 rule on how to get along with others

First, you have to accept that it’s going to take vulnerability to defeat the shame of not being right, or good enough.

Brene Brown is my favorite author on vulnerability and shame. She writes:

• Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
• Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear that our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.
• He or she who has the greatest capacity for discomfort rises the fastest.
• Vulnerability is the only bridge to build connection.

So, the key to letting go of your ego is to be vulnerable, telling yourself that you are good enough, you don’t have to prove yourself all the time. And, to allow others to also be good enough by not having them prove themselves all the time either.

Watch her famous TEDTalk on vulnerability here:

Simply put: letting go of your ego = experiencing the vulnerability of “your opinions and beliefs are not absolute truth”

Putting this in context of effective communication versus arguing… you have to be able to be curious at other’s opinions as though they are all worth something. Just as much as yours.

So, that argument you have daily with your children? The one that ends up with “I’m the parent, you’re the child… you have to do what I say.” Do this:

Be vulnerable and maintain curiosity about what they are saying and believing.

Timothy Storlie, PhD recommends asking following open-ended questions, which can apply to most any issue:

• What do you believe?
• What matters to you most about this?
• Tell me more about why this matters to you.

Conversations tend to be “more insightful and productive than it would have been had you approached the topic from a polarizing yes/no, black/white perspective,” says Dr. Storlie.

From a therapist’s perspective: How I get along with others

Trust me, there are many clients I have worked with that believe quite the opposite of my own beliefs. But, they somehow appreciate me, keep coming back, and give me their trust. How did I learn to stay calm and not want to argue back? (And trust me, it’s still something I have to practice.)

Let me give you an example: I remember a few guys I have worked with that have Narcissitic Personality Disorder… many people think it’s the hardest to work with clients who have personality disorders.

But, for some reason, I have found I LOVE working with these clients. I am so curious about their beliefs. It’s fascinating to me. I keep asking more and more questions to them about their beliefs, “Everyone loves me… I should be the boss by now… They aren’t as smart as I am… I make the best decisions”.

“Really?,” I ask them, and not in a snarky way, but a genuinely curious way, “I’m so curious why you aren’t the boss by now, too, and why everyone doesn’t love you?”

And they continue, talking out their beliefs… sometimes proving themselves wrong and solving their own problems, and sometimes continuing to believe their beliefs.

I don’t argue with their opinions or beliefs. I cannot take their belief away from them, and more often than not, if I try, the more they dig in and try to defend it. I can only be curious and ask them more about their experience.

I have also worked with extremely religious people, sometimes, in my own opinion, living in hypocrisy, preaching “thou shalt not judge”, but judge others a lot.

Now imagine if I tried to change their beliefs rather than being curious about it. My job is to allow them the space to explore for themselves why their beliefs matter to them. This is a rare space, and why therapy is so wonderful. Outside of the safe space of a therapy room, more often than not, people try to change people’s beliefs and opinions.

Oftentimes, this type of interaction (talking about religion) can go extremely wrong. Especially when the two individuals have the mindset of “I know best… I am right, you are wrong.”

Instead, when at least one of the two individuals approaches the situation with the questions above:

What are your beliefs? What matters most to you about this? Tell me more about why this matters to you.

I find in these types of situations, at least one of the individuals feels heard, and they are more likely to open up to vulnerability and curiousity of the other person. It creates an effective conversation about two entirely different beliefs. Again, this is why therapy is wonderful. It allows at least one person to feel heard.

Conclusion- Be a Child

In a world where we are pulling more and more polarized with our beliefs it is harder to know how to get along with others, and it is imperative that we practice curiosity. Where can we learn to practice this? Through children.

I believe children are the masters and mentors of curiousity. They practice being curious every day. Only as we get older do we start having opinions and egos and believing that our beliefs are the best.

I challenge you to be more like a child with others in order to get along with others. Be curious. Be vulnerable. Understand your beliefs are not THE ONLY beliefs, but that there are billions of others out there, too.

Share your experiences below!

Contact me for more information about how to get unstuck with your life.

Michelle L. Taylor, M.S. LPCC